I had a check-up yesterday and my doctor told me that because my fibroids are so big that I will have to have a c-section and the chances of me giving birth naturally is slim. I cried. I also found out that the fibroid on the back of my uterus has grown and is now 12cm. So basically I have a baby, an expanding uterus and 2 rocks that are fighting against my expanding uterus inside of me and most of the time it doesn't feel so good.
We went over the results of the ultra sound and Stella looks great; Morgan asked if she had all of her limbs and I thought it was cute :) I also found out that I have Placenta Previa which means that my placenta is low in my uterus and that can cause bleeding. My doctor is confident that will fix itself and I hope it does.
The thought of having a c-section against my will consumed my mind yesterday. I had this idea of what I wanted. I wanted my mom to be in the room. I wanted the experience of going through labor and having Stella come out naturally. I dreamed of them pulling her out, yelling "it's a girl"' and having her put onto my chest. I wanted to be the first to hold her.
Instead, I will be covered with a sheet up to my neck. I will be drugged up and extremely nervous with anticipation of what to expect. She will be pulled out of my stomach, and instead of me holding her the nurse will hold her, shove her in my face for one second and then I will have to wait until I get into recovery to hold her. I am happy that Morgan will get to hold her though.
I know a lot of woman plan c-sections because they have appointments to get to and it's more convenient, but I was ready for the challenge of natural delivery. I don't want to pick the day Stella will be born, I wanted to leave that up to her.
I am slowly wrapping my brain around the idea. I know a lot of woman get them, I know it's safe, but it's not what I wanted. I will get over it...in a few days.
6 comments:
There is nothing I can say except, I love you! You have been so incredibly brave and strong, and I could never express how grateful I am.
Jill, there's nothing I can say to make it better. The only thing that I can tell you is that birth plans are made to be shattered. Nothing goes the way you think anyway. Nothing. Except for the baby part of it.
I know, I know, these feelings all come in waves. It will take a while to stop feeling like you want to punch the gods in the balls, or vaginas, for that matter.
I can't believe I just said vagina in a blog comment.
You will be able to do it. It's not true that once you have a c-section, you always have to. You may be able to have your wish with your second and hey, usually the second labor is shorter, I hear.
I would say go have a beer but...
: )
Jilly, placenta previa happens in like 90% of women in the 5th month. Don't let your doctor scare you. And, if you are really wanting a natural delivery, then get a second opinion. I swear that doctors operate on fear and liability concerns.
I was told that my baby had a high risk of being born as a stillbirth (not at all kidding...david was there and about strangled the doctor) if she wasn't delivered within 24 hours of her due date.
We waited a week. My doctor is a shithead.
I can't believe I said shithead in a blog comment.
Jill, this is your experience. And Stella's. And of course, Morgan's too. You guys are a team. The doctors really are YOUR instruments.
This sounds so cliche, but...The process of birth is one of alchemy and assertion...no matter from which aperture the baby ascends from. The product of the birth process will surely heal you, in all ways imaginable.
Big hugs and tears for my dear cousin. I'll stop feeling sad when you do.
That Stella, she's a darling. She was probably flipping off the doctor and the universe for you(in the ultrasound).
Love you, Jilly Bean. Sooo much.
Jenny said it all so beautifully. You will have Stella and she will be beautiful, amazing, and surrounded by people who love her. My heart goes out to you and so does my love. If I could wave a magic wand and make it all better, I would. I love you more than you will ever know, my baby girl.
I am wiping the tears away as I read this. I love you my strong baby girl! I know no matter how Stella Belle comes into this world, she will have two of the most amazing parents imaginable! Know that even if I can't be in the room physically, I will be beside you in spirit every step of your journey. I love you more than words can express...you will understand in a few short months!
I'm sorry Jilly. I love you, and I'm happy that Stella is safe and healthy, even though I'm sad that you are so uncomfortable. And everyone's comments would have made me cry if I weren't on Celexa. :) Love you,
Ang
Oh girlie, I'm so sorry. I know that feeling. They told me a week before I was going to have Gideon that he was breech & I would have to have a c-section. I was a wreck & I felt like I had no time to prepare. I was devestated, but it worked out for the best. If I had tried to have G naturally, he could have died because the cord was wrapped around his next 3 times. Thank God for that c-section. And from My (not speaking for anyone else) experience, I recovered SO much more quickly from G than from E, (who I had naturally).
Like Jen said, we all have this way of thinking how things "should work out", but they don't. Just know, that either way you get a beautiful baby out of it, and I have to admit, I loved it just being me & Steve when G was born.
I am sorry you are in so much pain though. Praying for some relief for you. Oh & I was told I had placenta previa with E, and by the 8th month, all was well & I never bleed.
hang in there, girl...you look ADORABLE...fibroids & all! :)
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